Thursday, October 2, 2008

A season of change

Look! We're actually married!! And we got to act like a couple today! We went to a wedding up in the mountains which was a lot of fun. We didn't think we were both going to be able to attend but things came together (imagine that). We joked with friends that no one was going to believe us that we actually left Faith for the day so we had to take a picture to prove it (and no, there is not ventilator is the background).

It was so nice to drive in the mountains and see all of the fall colors. It looked as if God took a paint brush and covered the trees with gold. Fall is the season of change, so it is timely that the way we share our lives is changing as well.

I've been contemplating what to do with this blog for some time now. Sometimes I just want to stop it. Other times I feel like I have so much to say and there is not enough time in the day to write it all.

As I wrote a few weeks ago, I often feel silly writing about the every day stuff. I often feel I am complaining (and yes, I know it's perfectly OK if I am). I also wrote that although the voice of my writing is directed at you, I am writing for Faith. I have so much I want to say to her, so much I want to tell her, but it just doesn't seem like she understands. A typical baby interacts with people by cooing, babbling, and imitating. With Faith, communication isn't reciprocal nor does it seem like it is understood. The only "break through" we have ever had was when we asked her "Where's Elway?" and she looked for him. Remember about a month ago when I wrote how she "waved" goodbye? If that was really a wave it was the first and last time she's ever done it. Her therapists' agree that she understands more than she can show. It appears as though the wheels are turning, she just doesn't have the motor plan to show what she is thinking.

Medically Faith cannot communicate because her airway is so damaged. Unlike most other kids we know with trachs, Faith does not have an air leak therefore does not make any sounds. I find that sometimes this gets in the way of how I interact with her. I do talk to Faith, but sometimes I find myself just sitting next to her and a long time will pass before anything is said. No doubt, this is how we communicate. I have so much I want to say to her. I often find myself talking to "future faith." A Faith without tubes and machines. A Faith who understands what I am telling her.

Earlier this week it came to me. I am going to change the format of this blog and tell Faith everything I am thinking. Instead of "blogging in my head" I am going to blog to Faith. Faith does not have a baby book (I found it rather depressing when I begun to fill out a generic fill-in-the-blank baby book...on the first page there was a section for baby's birth weight with blank line that ended with pounds. I took a pen, crossed out the "s" and sighed) but she does have this blog. As you all know, this blog was originally set up to inform people on Faith's status when she was in the hospital. Now, it is my gift to her.
While I may not write this way on every post, from now on the majority of my posts will be written letters to her. In no way am I trying to be the next Maya Angelou, nor do I claim to have such profound thoughts that I feel so entitled to share them with all of you. I am just a mom who wants to talk to her daughter. I am not out to teach her life lessons (trust me, I am still learning my own) but am seeking to have a conversation with her. Who knows if she will ever understand what I say or write. But no one will ever be able to say I didn't tell her.

Although my thoughts will be directed at her, by no means do I intend not include all of you. If I didn't want you to read them, I wouldn't share them with you. Feel free to continue to comment and speak to us, as it helps to have some form of reciprocation.

Thank you for continuing to be a part of our lives as we continue to evolve on this journey.

Brian and Jen :)


Anonymous said...

YAY YOU GOT TO GO BE MARRIED!! I am so happy for you guys that you got to be away and alone! I bet it was absolutely beautiful in the mountains. LOVE YOU ALL!! Lets celebrate change in life!

Marissa said...

I am so glad you two got to go together. You guys look great by the way!

I think the new direction you are going to take the blog sounds great. What a wonderful gift to give Faith.

Thank you for continuing to allow us to peek in on your lives.



Anonymous said...

Jen, you are such a great mommy! I journal to my boys as well and I think that this is a great way to do that! I love peaking into your lives as well, so thanks for sharing with all of us!
Yay for dates!
Love you!
Jamie Hanes

Ann said...

What a great picture of you two! I think writing to Faith is a great idea. I'll bet the words will flow so much easier knowing that you are talking only to Faith and not having to worry what everyone else thinks :-) Your words are always meaningful, insightful and profound. You are a great mommy Jen and what a gift this Blog will be for Faith some day. Thanks for sharing it with us.


Anonymous said...

How smart of you to write TO FAITH. That gives your blogging a whole new perspective, and your readers will benefit, too! Thanks! Barbara

Congratulations and best wishes!

Anonymous said...

Hi Brian and Jen,
Our blog site became our baby book for Lauren. My mom painstakingly printed every page, every entry, and every response, and bound the entire thing into a huge book. One day we hope to share it with her, so that she knows how special she really is. One day Faith will read your entries, understand them, and realize that while she may not have been blessed with an easy start to life, she is blessed with amazing parents. All our best,
The Nesbitts (Grant, Kaia, Connor and Lauren.)

Karen said...

Hi Jen,
You and Brian look beautiful in the picture! I'm so glad you had the chance to attend the wedding together. Looking forward to continuing to follow the story of your family.

Anonymous said...

Awesome picture! Ya'll are so cute! I was just looking at your wedding pictures the other day when Uncle Mike walked you down the aisle..that was such a special time!

It was good to see that y'all are getting some time alone together..there is NOTHING wrong with that! In fact it is a must!

When Faith reads that someday, she will see how very much her parent sare in love and love her! Her "lifes novel" will be such great reading for her.

We love and miss you lots! My parents may coem through to meet Faith begining of Nov possibly. I will let you know.

Loads of love and hugs!
Aunt Susan and gang